I have decided to quit updating my Xanga. I will probably keep the account for commenting on other xangas since that is why I created this xanga in the first place. Although I really don't comment much at all anyways.

Anyway no more xanga posting for me after this. I find that I use this as an outlet to whine way too much. I mean I whine in my LJ and then I whine in here. How ridiculous is that? So in effort to be less whiney and obnoxious I am closing one whining outlet. 

Quitting updating this thing isn't really a big deal considering that I don't think anyone actually reads this anymore. I'll still have my trusty LJ. I like LJ better than Xanga, it's friendlier and at LJ they're not always trying to sell you something. So just read that if you want to know what I've been up to, although I haven't really updated that much recently either. Oh well, there isn't much to update anyway.

Currently Reading Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants By Ann Brashares see related

Hmmm, perhaps I was wrong. Maybe I am the lost one. Or maybe we are both equally lost and we just don't realize it. Life is too confusing and obnoxiously complicated for me right now. I feel like that guy in the Greek myth who is doomed to spend an entire day rolling a large boulder up a hill only to have roll right back down so he'll have to do it all over again. He just does this over and over again for all eternity. I forget his name, I think we did mythology sophomore year so that information has long left my head.

 It's really freaking difficult to get past something when it keeps jumping out at you and knocking you on your ass. Ugh, I have made many many mistakes in the past 2 years. I have paid for them and I continue to pay. How much should a person suffer for being stupid? Honestly, I have changed, I am a different person from who I used to be, I changed my behavior and habits, and yet the past still rears its ugly head and drags me right back down. Well, I guess I just have to keep fighting the good fight even though I feel like quitting. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.  

I read an entire book tonight. It was good. I miss the simplicity of highschool. It seemed so complicated at the time, but it reallly wasn't. I'm not being coherent anymore. That is a sign to stop typing I think. Or I could ramble on mindlessly. Yes that's what I will do. Its not like anyone will read this anyway.

Oh yeah my little bro got his housing assigment today. He's in the Village. Weirdness. Oh well he's happy with it. It is better than a dorm since you get more space and stuff. My older brother got put in the Village his freshman year too. Guess I'm the odd Lewandowski then. Oh well, I already knew that. I hope he gets cool roomies. 

You know what's funny? I'm more worried about him being happy next year than I am about myself and my total lack of forward direction. Even weirder is that when we were little I couldn't stand him, I was so mean to him. And now I'm like don't mess with my baby brother, lol. This girl totally dumped all over him and I totally wanted to track her down and beat her up, lol. My brothers and I have odd relationships.

We're all fiercely protective of one another, but we never let each other see it. My mom told me that Matt used to check on me everyday during lunch my freshman year at Liggett to make sure I was ok and had friends to sit with, because h was worried about me finding my niche in a new school where I knew absolutely no one other than him. I never knew that he did that, I never saw him, but he did it and my mom tod me about it years later. I also heard there was some wresting & fighting with Judson after graduation weekend.

Um yeah, all I'm going to say about that weekend is that crap loads alcohol + sexual tension + repressed crushed + drunk hot boy = utter stupidity. Oh yeah it also lead to guilt, unneccessary heart ache, and more guilt. This why I will not be taking Dan up on his offer of ' So you wanna make out a little bit?' and I won't be telling my brother about it. It would just upset him, especially if he knew I seriously considered accepting that particular propostion. Oh well, nothing happened, actually I burst into a laughing fit because I couldn't believe Dan really said that. Poor kid I think I may have psychologically scarred him or something. I didn't mean to laugh, but it was just so random. And it was very late. Him being my brother's friend was more of a deal breaker than the whole statutory thing, it would be a lot easier to turn him down if he weren't so freaking cute. Oh well, I'm still looking for my summer fling. And my summer job, grrrrrrrrrrr, damn sucky economy.

Do you ever feel like no matter what you do it will be wrong? Like no matter what happens someone will be disapppinted in you?

That's how I feel right now.

I need to ramble and I can't do it in lj right now. It would complicate things that I'm not ready to complicate.

At home I have a very tight group of friends, my Ct gurls, who are my sisters & my soul mates. One of my gurls seems to be totally lostt. She is utterly consumed by her loser bf and has been for some time. She never calls us, or makes even a little bit of time for us anymore. When she does actually pick up her phone when we call her (which in and of itself is a rare occcurrence) she'll blow us off. She's headed down a really bad path right now. And I don't know what to do about it.

 I am the only one out of the group she talks to regularly. When I am atschool we talk on the phone like every other day for like an hour sometimes longer. I am a friendly ear to listen to and a shoulder to cry on. I alway offer her advice when she needs it. I almost never sugar coat anything anymore. I listen and try support her even when I totally disagree with what she does, because I love her to death and just want her to be happy.

The problem is she doesn't talk to anyone else anymore. The rest of the CT gurls only find out stuff about her through me. They have only seen her once or twice since we've all been home. I've seen her a lot more than that. We've gone to coffee just the two of us a few times, and  we have talked on the phone a little bit, not as much as when I'm away, but we still talked and met u and stuff. It isn't a secret or anything, the others know about it, but it puts me in an awkward position.

The other girls want to confront her about everything from her ditching us to her lousy choices. And I agree that she probably needs to be confronteed, but since I do spend more time with her I can see everything from her point of view. And everything is not so cut and dry. She realizes that ditching us is shitty and she doesn't mean to do it, it just happens. It is difficult balancing a demanding boyfriend with work, work friends, home duties, and us. I can understand that. Her boyfriend is very high maintenance and takes up a lot of time and gets pissed off and throws hissy fits if she doesn't answer her phone or if she doesn't go out with him like every night. I admit that I can't stand the guy. He is a total loser, but she loves him so I am trying to see what she sees in him, but its really hard to do that when the guy has no diploma, no GED, a possesion of marijuana conviction, looks 35 instead of 25, hangs with the 'Albanian crowd' who are in general bad news, he won't let her spend time with her friends without getting mad at her, and gives me the creepo vibe.

I should also say I have nothing against albanian people. There just happens to be this huge group of guys that are all albanian who are in the age range of 23 - 30 years old who hang out at starbucks.These guys (i hesitate to call them men) are all pigs, they hit on anything with breasts & legs, have of them are married and looking for a little side action and the other half are looking for green cards. None of them speak english very well, for the most part they can't read or write it, they have no real educations or asoirations other than to get some ass, and they treat women like dirt like we're not even human beings, like they are so much more intelligent than I am because they were born with a penis and I wasn't, it really irritates the hell out of me.

Ok sorry about the tangent there, back to the point. Anyways I agree with everything the other girls are saying and I see their point, but I also see her side. And I see her feeling guilty about  not spending time with us, although she never changes so that it won't happen again. They don't see it and I do. If I tell them about it they chalk it up to her trying to make herself feel better. They don't think she cares. Maybe they are right. I don't know anymore.

What I do know is how she'll react to the intervention/confrontation thingy. It's weird how you can know someone so well that you know what they'll do before they do it, but that's how close we are. If we go through with this she will react badly. I doubt she will actually hear what we are saying and take it to heart. She will feel attacked and will run away. She will be angry and cut us out completely. I've seen her do it before.

So if I participate in this intervention I will lose her completely. And though we don't see each other much anymore I can't stand the thought of her being totally gone. I just can't lose someone else. I am not that strong. On the other hand if I don't participate I'll still have her, but I'll have to watch her life spiral further out of control. I'd still be her shoulder to cry on, but what good is that? Is that really helping her? Would making her hate us help her at all?

I don't know what the right thing to do is. Sometimes I wish everything was in black in white instead of having all of those shades of gray. If everything was straight up black and white then there would be an easy answer.

Right now I am the person she turns to for blunt advice and for a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. She returns the favor when I am in need of course. I just keep hoping she'll wake up and see the world clearly again. I know I should confront her with my other friends, but I am selfish. I don't want to lose one of my soul mates. They feel as though she is already lost to them so if  the intervention goes badly they feel as though they won't be any worse off than they were before since she was already lost to them to start with.  

This really really sucks. It feels like a lose-lose situation to me, grrrr. Damn it. I hate this. I know it is extremely self centered, but I can't help thinking 'HAVEN'T I BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH THIS YEAR ALREADY?!?!?' I guess it could be worse. Although I don't know how the other girls would react if I told them I couldn't help them talk to her. Sheesh, why did life have to get so complicated?

Anyways I just needed to ramble about that away from anyone connected to the situation for awhile to maybe come to some sort of conclusion of my own.

Other than situation that life is going pretty well. Being home is nice, although at times it can be painfully boring, but never the less I am enjoying it. I love all of the random things I get to do and not having to stress about grades and school for a little while. Now all I need is a summer fling ....hehehe. 

I just got home from seeing Star Wars!!!  It was awesome!!! Yay for going to the 12:40AM showing!! Andrea picked up our tickets at 9:30 and then she met Sraha & I at Coldstone! The birthday cake remix was very very very delicious!!  We stayed at coldstone until it closed and then we went to to starbucks until it closedand then we ran out of time killing things so we went back to the theater at 11. The people watching while waiting was spectacular! So was the eye sex, hehehe. None of us managed to eye sex the guy dressed as Chewbacca, it was too hard. I did get a jedi though.

I should try to sleep. I have insomnia. I didn't fall asleep until after 5AM last night, meh. Granted the horrendous coughing fits don't help the insomnia any. GRRR. I have come to the conclusion that I am allergic to something in my room because outside of the room and the house I am pretty much fine. I am guessing its the enormous amount of dust and/or cat hair that is wreaking havoc on me. Although I have never been sensitive to it before, hmmmmmm. The drugs I took really need to kick in so I can sleep.

YAY for both of my brothers being home!!!

My mother is starting to think I have an eating disorder again. She worries too much. She thinks just because I lost a bunch of weight it means that I am starving myself. I did not. I wasn't even trying to lose weight I just did. I think it was a result of being stressed out all of the time & a change in personal habits. I spent a large majority of evenings at school in the library studying where there aren't any snacks as opposed to studying in my room and randomly snacking (with the occasional pig out ) all of the time. Although I'm pretty sure she knows I could never starve myself. I love food too much, lol. I'm pretty sure seeing me eat 4 slices of pizza tonight at dinner helped ease her mind too, lol. Yes I am a fatty & I love it.  

Would it be bad to take 2 more dayquil since the first 2 are obviously useless? Yes I think it would.....but I really want to. I feel as though I am going to hack up a lung or something equally important if this cough doesn't stop soon.